melt / Rei

שם הפאנפיק:Melt
שם הכותב: ריי
פאנדום: גראוויטיישן
דירוגG-13 בשל שימוש בשפה בוטה
שיפ: יוקי/שואיצ'י (כן, זה סלאש)
ז'אנר: אנגסט/רומן.
תקציר: יוקי לא מבין למה שואיצ'י בכלל איתו, ומפחד לפגוע גם בו.
ויתור זכויות: למאקי מורקאמי, יוצרת המנגה.




"Yuki!"

I hear his loud, excited voice calling my name. No. His name. It hurts. Each time he does that, my heart is being torn off my chest again. And he's doing it all the time. But I figured that after enough time you get used to that feeling.

"Yuki Yuki Yukiiiiiii!" he shouts over and over again, and I'm not even closing my eyes painfully anymore. He so reminds me of myself, when I was sixteen and too young to know the world. When I called him that way, with this exact happy, exited, determined for attention voice. Just like him. I turn my eyes towards the closed door of my office, realizing that I won't be able to work with him shouting like that. I answer him with my cold, distanced voice when he calls again, his voice waving away with disappointment and hope as he doesn't get any response.

"Get in, brat," I say quietly, though loud enough for him to hear me. I can almost see his broad smile between the popping tears that probably appeared there, though the obvious insult in my words. I hear the sound of the handle being pushed, and then blocked. Fuck, I think as I stand up and walk towards the door to open it. I totally forgot I locked it.

"Yuuuuuuukkiiiiiiii!" he shouts again happily as he first sees me when I start opening the door. It is merely open enough for me to see him as he jump on me, making us both fall to the floor; he's on the top of me, his smiling face and big, purple eyes are the only thing I can see. Those naïve, eyes that could do no harm at all, staring at me with so much love that I did not deserve, the very same love I remember he told me I had every time I looked at him.

I push him off me, calling him a brat again. He murmurs an ashamed apology, sitting up on his knees and looking at me getting off the floor with an expression begging for my forgiveness. Though the coldness I'm acting with, I am no heartless; not when it came to that little boy now sitting down there, with his watery purple eyes set on me. He was just too much like me, like him.

I bend to my knees in front of him, and I kiss him softly on his lips. I am unable of saying "I'm sorry", so I let my actions talk instead of my words. I think he understands, as when I'm breaking the kiss and looking at him I see him smiling again.

"Stand up, you little brat," I say while standing up myself and placing myself in front of my computer desk. I hear him getting up, and then walking towards me, shyly bringing a chair so he can sit next to me while I'm working.

I open my laptop's screen, doing nothing but staring at my half written word page of my new novel. I can not consecrate while he's by my side, nor when he is away. It is such a weird feeling which I can't call by a name.

The room is full with tensed silence, one of those that makes you want to say something but at the same time takes away all of your words, leaving you nothing but emptiness. I have not felt this way since that had happened. Yet, I can feel his unease as he looks down to the floor, his hands falling carelessly between his knees, as if he is waiting for me to say something. I sigh. He needs to know, he deserves it. I've figured that long ago. The moment I realized what I was doing, that I was actually using the boy to replace him, I knew he ought to know, by his rights. Perhaps then was the right time, but I didn't do it then. The same goes for every single day since, and lauds of them had passed already. Perhaps now is the right time. But now I won't run away. I am tired of all of this running away; of fucking his little arse while thinking of him and knowing what I do is terribly wrong. Knowing I'm hurting him, just like he did to me. I'm acting just like him, I suddenly realize that; but I don't want to be like him, I don't want Shuichi to become like me.

I turn my face to him, seeing that, unlike what I thought, he was gazing at me. "I want to tell you something," I say. He suddenly becomes interested; he's not used to me speaking of myself. This is, indeed, highly unusual for me. Slightly embarrassed but not showing it, I turn my look back to the blank computer screen, staring at it without actually seeing it. I'm taking out of my pocket a cigarette, then turn it on and smoke it. I can feel the little shrimp's eyes fixed on me, with a question waiting to be answered.

I'm telling him the story of the other Yuki, the real one, and the full story. I've already told Shuichi about him, but I haven't told everything, and it is about time to. I'm telling him about the 'old me', when I was still too naïve and a foolish optimist – like he is now. I'm telling him, between taking in the poisonous smoke of a cigarette after a cigarette, about the rape attempt he had done, and how I was willing to give myself to him, how betrayed I felt when he told his friend he can have a go on me first. I tell him about the murder, and how it ended with me coming back to Japan, trying to leave all the painful memories back in New York. I stop. He says nothing, too shocked to speak. There is the tensed silence again, and the gray clouds of smoke I'm breathing out.

He sneezes, then looking at me in an apologizing sort of way; but the effect had took place already, the ice broke up. He murmurs some sort of an apology, but I ignore and saying what is important – the true reason I initiated this conversation.

"I want you to go away from me," I say flatly, using my coldest and my most distanced tune.

"You want to be alone now?" his voice is full of understanding, and he already stands up, willing to give me time to calm now. But he understood my words wrongly.

"No." I say, and I can see the confusion on his face, then I continue. "I want you to leave. I want you to never come and see me again."

My words only confuse him more, from the look of his face. He does not understand; he stays at his place. I say those words again, rather angrily.

"Why?"

I can here the tears in his voice, and I feel my heart been torn apart inside my chest, but I force myself to ignore that. Yet, I cannot stop myself from saying, "I just don't want to hurt you, like he did to me."

I see him smiling softly from the corner of my eye. "You won't," he says, his voice warm and soft as I've ever heard him before. He puts his arm around me, and I shiver to his touch. It feels too good, I can't afford letting it change my mind. "You're not him, Yuki. You're different, better. I trust you. I love you."

You say words that are so sweet, so comforting, but I must not letting it influence me, though I feel how the simple words wound my heart, like thousands of knives thrown on my chest. Why can't he understand?

"You don't know me." I say, still coldly.

"Yes I do, you don't know how much I do-"

"I'm just using you, you little stupid brat! Can't you see? I'm just using your little ass so I always have something else to fuck rather than my hand! I'm using you as a replacement since you're so fucking like him! Do you hear that, you little asshole!"

I know I made him cry, though he tries hard to keep the tears inside. I quickly turn my face so I won't have to see him breaking down – it will just be too painful. It hurts, seeing him like that and knowing it's because of me. But I know this is something that has to be done – for Shindou's own sake.

"No." he says beneath his tears, keeping his voice as stable as he can. "You don't. You love me. You told me before – don't get into my words, dammit! – and I know this is true, because if it was not true you wouldn't have told me all of this and you would just keep using me and-"

"No I don't! I don't love you! Get it, little brat?" I yell at him, pointing my finger against his forehead, touching roughly, pushing him as hard as I can with just one finger – and mostly making it hurt. My finger, I mean. "I-DO-NOT-LOVE-YOU! Why can't you see the facts even when they're thrown at your face!"

"Because you lie." He says simply, his voice quiet, barely hearable. And soft; so soft I can feel all the anger that boiled under my skin – anger I had hard time gathering – fades away, just like the edges of his voice. Why, for heaven's sake, can he affect me so much? Why can't I resist the watery purple eyes of his? I do not understand; but then again, I think of his words – did I really lie? Do I not hate him? Do I love him? How can I, when I don't know what love is? I forgot it, lost the last drip of the ability to love that day, eight years ago. But if so, what is it that I'm feeling?

I do not answer to his last comment. I can't. He does not take his glare off the floor, and I think I can see a single tear falling, shattering into billion shards on my office's floor. I feel my heart twitches in pain of guilt as I finally understand I made him cry again. Not one of his usual cries that he cries every day, few times a day – but a deeper, silent cry of true sorrow and suffering. I can't stop myself, and I take him into my arms, hugging him, pulling him close to that icy heart of mine.

But I think it starts melting.
***

תגובות?

וואו...חזק...
כל הכבוד על האנגלית....

זו פעם ראשונה בפאנפיק כל כך קצר שהצלחתי לשנוא מישהו, לחזור לאהוב אותו, לשנוא אותו שוב ולרחם עליו בסוף.
יוקי מעצבן אותי. אין ספק. אבל טוב שיש את שואיצ'יD:
אהבתי 3>

תודהD:
האמת זה פאנפיק קצת ישן, מזמן לא כתבתי על גראוויטיישן...
יוקי הוא באמת דמות שקצת קשה להתחבר אליה... הוא כזה.. קר OO
אבל הוא סקסי להחריד!
וכן, שואיצ'י מותק 33> אני עדיין צריכה להגשים חלום ולהתקשר לדבר הוורוד הזה

יוקי מזכיר לי בצורה כלשהי את דראקו םO
ומזתומרת להתקשר לדבר הוורוד הזה? XD

תאמיני לי שיוקי שונה מאוד מדראקו.
הוא אמנם דומה לו בזה שהוא קר כזה, וציני, ופוגע באנשים בכוונה גלויה.
עדיין יש בו משהו שונה.

אהבתי את הפאנפיק. שואצ'י הוא כזה מותק! ואפשר בקלות להתחבר לדמות שלו.
הדיאולוגים ממש זורמים, התאורים מצויינים, הדמויות מוצגות בדיוק כמו בעלילה המקורית.
כל הכבוד!

וכן את כותבת מעולה באנגלית, ריי. אבל מצאתי כמה טעויות דקדוק באנגלית. אני לא אכתוב אותם כרגע, בגלל השעה.

איך למדת לכתוב כל כך טוב באנגלית? הייתי רוצה להשתפר באנגלית שלי.
אשמח אם תתני טיפים ^^

חחח התכוונתי "להתחפש,, זה אני והבעיות ריכוז שלי

יש בו מן הדראקואיות, אבל... לא לגמרי.

אמממממ זה רק מקריאה (: פשוט קחי ספרים שאת חושבת שתאהבי, ותקראי. זה הכל.(:
מאמף, גם אמרת שיש שגיאות. טוב זה הגיוניXD זה פיק נורא ישן (=בערך מכיתה י או יא). אעבור על זה מחר ואתקן את כל מה שאמצא.. אם תמצאי עוד, אשמח אם תאמרי לי שאתקן (אבל אל תטרחי לפני מחר בערב, כי אני אעבור על זה עד אז XD)

ותודה D:
אני שמחה שנהנית מהפיק ^-^